Percy the Pig walks into a home improvement store. A novice salesman named Pat DeWack approaches and Percy says he needs to repair his house and needs to buy supplies. Then he pulls out a picture and explains that a grumpy neighbor, Mr. Wolf, huffed and puffed and did a lot of damage. The salesman takes him over to the lumber section. The salesman’s manager comes over to make sure that Percy gets the right advice. He takes one look at the picture and says, “What a stick stack, Pat DeWack, give the hog some stone.”
Monthly Archives: June 2017
A spaniel named Daniel trots into a store that sells electronic equipment.
A spaniel named Daniel trots into a store that sells electronic equipment. He walks around and after a few minutes finds the quadcopter he wants to buy. A sales rep comes over, introduces himself as Paddy, and carries the boxed unit to the sales desk to ring up the sale. Daniel takes out his wallet and finds he’s $10.00 short. He removes a small gold bone-shaped tag and lays it on the table, and looks up at Paddy with hopeful eyes. Paddy says, “I’m not sure. I have to ask my manager, Mrs. Slocum. Then he calls over to a white-haired woman who is setting up a display of cell phones. “Are you free, Mrs. Slocum?” The woman looks up and says, “I’m free Mr. Whack.” Mrs. Slocum walks over and Paddy explains the situation. Mrs. Slocum picks up the tag, examines it and asks Daniel if the tag was made of gold. Daniel nods. Mrs. Slocum smiles with approval, then says “It’s a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the dog the drone.”
Got Milk?
(GOT MILK? © 2017 Alyce Rita Campbell All Rights Reserved; GOT MILK? is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual incidents or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.)
It was sunrise and Kat tried to ignore the harsh sounds that had awakened her. The rooster that lived in the backyard of the house across the street was beginning its day. Desperately, she yanked her pillow over her head but still she could hear the alarm clock of a bird.
Kat had more than once declared to Ms. Thorne, the owner of both house and rooster, that the rooster belonged on a farm and would have to go. Each time, Ms. Thorne had thanked her for her visit but each time had said that the rooster was a family pet and was staying. Kat thought that the very idea of a rooster as a pet was absurd. After their last unsatisfactory encounter, Kat had called Animal Control to see which ordinances were being violated and had been extremely irked to learn that the rooster was legal.
Kat sat up and tossed the pillow aside. Ruminating on Ms. Thorne and her rooster was a waste of a shimmering Saturday morning. And this was a special Saturday—the day of the community dog show. Kat’s pure-bred beagle, Duke, was a beautiful tricolor and as smart as a whip. Ms. Thorpe’s rescue dog, if you could call such a white woolly scruff a dog, was named Patch. For the three years before Ms. Thorne had moved into the cul-de-sac, Duke had won the dog show. But last year, Duke and Patch had tied for first place.
The competition had two events: a mandatory agility test which a dog had to complete successfully and a “free-style” in which the handler and the dog had one minute to demonstrate a unique trick. Final score was the sum of the scores from both events. Kat was certain that this year, Duke’s trick would convince the judges that Duke was the superior dog.
Kat smiled to herself, remembering the day she had stealthily followed Ms. Thorne and Patch to the park. Using her binoculars to watch them practice had given her just the inside information she needed to devise a trick that would surely one-up Ms. Thorne. Maybe the woman would learn some humility.
By noon, Kat and Duke were waiting their turn in the competitors’ tent which had been erected on the community’s soccer field. Because Duke and Patch had jointly won last year’s show they would be competing last. Duke was his normal relaxed self but Kat was anxious throughout the long wait.
Finally, Duke and Patch were up. Duke rocketed through the obstacle course with ease and no faults, as did Patch. Their scores were even.
Then Duke and Kat moved to the designated spot in front of the judges’ table. Kat put down a bowl and a bottle of milk. She commanded Duke to fill the bowl from the bottle without spilling a drop. And Duke did.
Patch and Ms. Thorne came next. Kat’s jaw dropped when Ms. Thorne also put down a bowl and a bottle of milk. Ms. Thorne then ordered Patch to fill the bowl exactly two-thirds full. Patch complied without spilling a drop. Then Patch calmly trotted over to Duke’s bowl and carefully lapped up exactly one-third of the milk. Mission accomplished, Patch sat down between both bowls, facing the judges’ table, grinning a wide, satisfied, doggy grin.