All posts by writer

Saulie the Collie is Collared by Mick the Moose

Lieutenant Mick the Moose of MacDonald Farm’s Police Force is watching his newest collar, Saulie the Collie, through the one-way window.  Saulie, stubborn as a mule, won’t talk without his lawyer.  Saulie’s associate, Curvy Kit, exotic, short-haired, a dancer at the Cat’s Meow, is in another interview room.

Mick groans when “Lucky” Ed Shetland joins his client.  He is the associate of “Clever” Hans Trotter and both are known for legal horseplay.

“Time for the dog and pony show,” Mick mutters.

Shetland remains standing when Mick moseys in, says, “Moose, call me Mr. Ed.”

Mick grins at Saulie.  “Got you now.  You and Kit, fighting like cats and dogs, to create a ruckus so your aptly named pal, Cheeta, could pick pockets.”

Mr. Ed snorts, while Saulie just barks, “I’m no fly, you’re no spider.”

“Ha, ha!  Now start yapping.  And remember Kit is next door so no cock-and-bull.”

Saulie whines, “You think I threw the cat among the pigeons for monkey business?”

“Kit coughed it up,” Mick lies. “Said you was the top dog.”  In fact, Kit had hissed, “I’m no rat” and had promptly started to nap.

“You think I’m a sap, sucker!  She ain’t no canary.  And besides, we were just larking.  Not our fault if the gawkers were sitting ducks.”

“That dog don’t hunt,” Mick rumbles.  “This play has been your cash cow for donkey’s years.  Tell us where the loot is or your goose is cooked.”

Mr. Ed interjects, “Hold your horses!  Stop monkeying around!  Your case is a pig’s ear.”

Just then Mick’s partner Billy the Goat barges in.  “Mick, Cheeta just surrendered.  Seems some hens crossed the road, going home to roost, found him hiding, went ape, attracted wild geese who chased him. Says he’ll confess if we save him from the angry birds.”

Saulie looks like he’s going to have kittens and Mick smiles. “Now it’s dog-eat-dog.  Best deal goes to the first to eat crow.”

Saulie and Mr. Ed eyeball each other.  Mr. Ed says, “I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.  This is a horse of a different color.  What are you offering?”

“First to talk gets one year in the Wren Pen, the other five.”

Saulie growls, “That snake in the grass.  He’ll just let the cat of the bag.  Me and Kit have the lion’s share in a satchel in the Mustang’s trunk.  Don’t know where Cheeta has squirreled away his cut of the pickings.”

After Saulie is led away,  Mick slaps Billy on the back.  “I swan, that was more fun than a barrel of monkeys.  He swallowed that story, whole hog.”

Billy hee-hawed, “Saulie’s going to be a bear with a sore head, when he finds out that when we nabbed Cheeta, Cheeta screamed he would chatter when pigs fly.”

“Well, thanks to you we’ve got them both.  Killed two birds with one stone, three if you count Kit.  And the good folks of MacDonald’s Farm will get their goods back. Time for a brew at Dumbo’s Watering Hole.”

 

Duke and the Cheshire Cat: Round Two

Lt. Duke LeJeune was sitting in his office staring at gruesome crime scene photos.  Because he was a homicide detective this was not unusual.  He was deep in thought constructing theories about the murderer when his cell phone buzzed.  After a short conversation, he turned to his young colleague Sgt. Adele Palmer, a cybercrime specialist, and said sourly, “Seems like the Cheshire Cat is back at Gilgamesh, and the CEO is certain only we can save his company.”

“Cheshire Cat…you mean the anonymous group, The Friends of Lewis Carroll, is back with ransom demands?”

Duke scowled, “Yes. They’ve hacked into Gilgamesh servers again and all their systems are locked.  And like last time, they’re threatening to steal Gilgamesh code to blackmail Gilgamesh customers, if they don’t get what they want.”

“Very serious, Duke.  Over a 100 banks use Gilgamesh programs.  And what do they want?”

“To win the rematch with the beamish boy.”

Adele couldn’t hold back a giggle at hearing the word ‘boy’ applied to the brawny, ex-Special Forces lieutenant. “You mean they want a rematch with you, three riddles again?”

“Yes…so let’s go.  And this time maybe we can trace the hackers.”

The CEO and CTO, both late-thirties, both former coders, both looking grey, were waiting for them in the conference room.  A large monitor connected to a laptop  displayed a grinning cartoon calico cat wearing black bushy eyebrows, black-framed glasses, a black bushy mustache and a prominent nose.

“Great, the Cheshire Cat dressed up as Groucho Marx,” Duke muttered.

“Groucho who?” the CTO and Adele asked simultaneously.

“Never mind.  Just look it up.” Duke replied curtly.

As they watched, a cartoon paw came into view and waved not a cigar, but a fat brown roll labeled ‘Bitcoin’.

“Can’t happen.” Adele said. “Bitcoins don’t physically exist.”

Below the Cat was the command: ‘Enter your name but only if you are the beamish boy.’

Duke typed ‘Duke LeJeune’.

Excellent. Hello Copper. First riddle.  Fill in the blanks with the same letters in the same order.   The _____ Red Queen said to Alice, “I’m _____ to have you to tea.  I’ve _____.”

Duke stared at the monitor for a moment, then entered: The notable Red Queen said to Alice, “I’m not able to have you to tea. I’ve no table.”

The Cat’s grin widened and showed some pointy teeth. ‘So, at least you’re a literate Copper. Are you also a betting man? Suppose you play this simple card game.  Every time you draw you bet $11 in the hope of winning $10 when you draw red.  If you draw black you lose the $11. At the end of 42 cards, you’re even. How many reds did you draw?”

Duke wrote 10 and 11 on a page in his notepad then glanced out the window at the city fifteen stories below. He wished he was back at his desk, working on the murder case.  He doodled for a moment then typed ‘22’.

The Cat’s eyebrows rose and the wide grin became more sinister. ‘Tsk-tsk! So very familiar with sports gambling? Copper, do you have a secret vice?  No matter.  Last round.  You return from a car chase, and check your vehicles.  70% have lost the left front wheel, 75% have lost the right front wheel, 80% have lost the left back wheel and 85% have lost the right back wheel. What is the smallest percentage of cars that have no wheels, and the maximum percentage.”

Duke turned to Adele. “Please confirm my addition that 70+75+80+85 equals 310.”

When Adele nodded Duke smiled and entered, ‘10% and 70%

The Cat’s eyebrows bounced up and down while the Cat’s face expanded to fill most of the monitor. “So, you know your Lewis Carroll. Then the Cheshire Cat slowly faded away. The black mustache and the toothy smile were the last to disappear.

A message flashed, ‘You have done much too well, beamish Copper.  Next time the Bandersnatch.”  Then the screen went black.  The CTO’s assistant rushed in and shouted that all systems were unlocked and behaving normally.

Duke looked at Adele.  “Sorry Duke, they’re using TOR.”

The CEO wheezed, “Next time?   Bandersnatch?”

 

 

Lt. Mick the Moose catches a thief; Lt. Mick the Moose goes snowshoeing

Lieutenant Mick the Moose of the MacDonald Farm’s Police Force, is hot to finally collar a notorious gang of thieves, including Patrick “The Crack” Parrot, Martin “The Brains” Magpie, and Carl “The Singer” Catbird. They even have a special jail prepared to prevent escape:  three stories high, all caged in, called the Wren Pen, built on an island surrounded by wetlands.  He and his partner rush to an alleged break-in at 20 Old Barn Lane, reported by Lil Red the Hen.  They arrive to find that Lil Red and her husband Nick have cornered a thief outside in the alley behind their house.  Mick enters the alley and shines his flashlight on a yellow-beaked green bird with angry black eyes.  Mick says, “Caught you at last, Patty. I guess your buddies scrammed.”  But Patty shouts, “You ain’t got nothin’ on me, Moose.  And I ain’t squawking about my pals.”  Then Mick spots a small bag lying behind a discarded hay bale.  He grabs it, looks in and says, “It’s a pick pack, Pat the Crack, that’s life in the bog’s no fly zone.”

Lieutenant Mick the Moose and his step-dad, Morris DeWaque, decide to go snowshoeing to take advantage of a glorious late winter day.  But as the sun climbs higher and higher in the clear blue sky the temperature warms above freezing.  They decide to stop for lunch, after which Morris wants to cross over a frozen stream and climb to the top of a rocky pinnacle. From the pinnacle, they can see rolling hills stretching to the horizon.  Last summer, they just crossed over on fallen trees, and the trees are still in place, covered by ice.  But Mick takes one step on the ice, and they hear a sharp snapping, so Mick steps back.  He stares down at the frozen stream.  “That’s a crick crack, Pa DeWaque, let’s leave the log alone.”

Plucky DeQuack and his Dad

Dilly DeQuack, a fine figure of a duck, is sitting in her bedroom when she hears a giggle coming from the bathroom then water splashing.  She rushes down the hall and arrives just as her son, Plucky, finishes flushing a small stuffed rabbit down the toilet.  Naturally the toilet becomes blocked, and even vigorous use of the plunger does not unblock it.   She heads to the kitchen to call the friendly local plumber.  Soon Nick from Rooster Plumbing is on the way.   As she sits, waiting, sipping her morning green tea, she hears the flap-flaps of her husband’s feet in the hall.  She rushes back to see him entering the bathroom with his tool box open, pipe-wrench in hand.  Now Dilly loves her husband, whom she affectionately calls “Pa”, but a handy duck he is not.  All his previous attempts at fixing plumbing problems have ended in disaster.  “Don’t touch!” she shouts. “You don’t have Nick’s knack, Pa DeQuack, leave that clog alone.”

Ogden the Owl is sitting on his front porch enjoying his morning coffee, when the son of his neighbor, young Plucky of the DeQuack family, comes tearing down the street on his bike.  As Plucky rides, his bike’s gears make various squeals and jangles.   After a few minutes, Ogden can stand the noise no longer and takes charge of the bike and young Plucky and marches over to his neighbor’s house.  He rings the bell and Plucky’s father steps out.   Ogden fumes, ‘You need to do something.” Ogden pushes a pedal, producing a series of sharp clanging sounds.  “Hear the click-clack, Pa DeQuack?  Give the cog a hone.”

Annual MacDonald Farm Tug-of-War Rained Out and Mick the Moose Goes for a Drink

The day of MacDonald Farm’s Annual Picnic starts out sunny and bright, but now the rain is pouring down in soaking torrents.  Still, farm spirit shines, so even though the football field is flooding, the two Tug-of-War teams assemble at the appointed time at the goal line, in front of Paddington Theodore Wack, the newly elected mayor.  One side’s captain is Mick the Moose and the other side’s captain is Bill the Bull.  Paddington tweets on his shiny silver whistle and the teams start trying to grip the plastic yellow rope as they slip and slide in the thickening muck.  After about five minutes of struggle and failure, both captains approach the referee.  Mick says, ‘Rope’s just slick slack, Paddy Wack, let’s blow this boggy zone.”

The MacDonald Farm’s Annual Tug-of-War is cancelled due to rain but not before team captain Mick the Moose is drenched, so he heads to his favorite pub to dry off.  He takes his usual seat at the bar and orders his usual drink from the bartender: rum with water and lime juice.   The bartender, Darlington Franklin Wack is a very good listener so his patrons call him The Padre.  After about five minutes Mick gets a call on his cell and moves to a corner so he won’t disturb other patrons.  The door opens and a stranger, also soaking wet, comes over and sits at the bar on the stool next to where Mick has been sitting.  The bartender sees the stranger furtively eyeing Mick’s drink and walks over.  “Belongs to Mick, mac,” says Padre Wack. “Leave the grog alone.”

Kwatt Returns and Amelia Saves the World Again

Another long day manning the Sheriff’s office, another long trek home under a moonless sky.  Amelia Largo, her jaw clenching each time the old pickup hit a rut or a ridge in the gravel road, was looking forward to a late-evening meal of hot tuna casserole washed down with hot coffee.  As she bounced along, she tried to build a case that would convince the county administrator to spend some money on a new truck so she could hunt for criminals in greater comfort.  The replacement didn’t need to be fresh off the assembly line, just newer, less beat up and with better shock absorbers.

The darkness was shattered by a circle of yellow lights, hovering a foot above the gravel about three car lengths ahead.  Gears groaned as her foot crushed the brake pedal.  She jumped out of the truck, ready to read the riot act to whoever was flying drones so low. But, she had stomped forward only a few feet when she was hit in the side by something sharp.  She collapsed, nose first in the dirt.

Amelia awakened to a familiar garlic smell, emanating from a familiar alien sitting across from her on the other side of a gray mushroom-shaped desk.  Her ear lobe throbbed from being squeezed by the alien’s translator device which turned the alien’s tweets and chirps into fractured English.

With zero enthusiasm, Amelia greeted the alien.  “Hello Kwatt…what brings you back to the neighborhood?”

This time the alien did not apologize for abducting her.  “Ha…ha…ha…so you have memory good for Kwatt’s face.”

Amelia wrinkled her nose and sighed. “Well, to be precise, I have not seen your face…just that bling envirosuit and those goofy goggles you are wearing.  But you’re certainly hard to forget.”

“You not so easy for Kwatt to memory.  All peoples look same, reek like rancid stuffs on bedposts.”

Amelia did not understand how bedposts came into it, but she knew the translator was error-prone.  “Well, you did find me…so I repeat, why have you come back?”

“Bigger boss angry, smash things.  Say we lost much richness.  He say test smartness again.  He sure you cheat.”

“Cheat?”

“He screech runty feeble loathsomes cannot be smartness so must be trick.”

Amelia swallowed down a sharp retort and instead said neutrally, “Kwatt, you know I didn’t cheat.”

“He say test again, or I muck WockerJabber cages.”

Amelia interpreted this to mean that if she passed the smartness test, Kwatt would be busted down to rank of grunt, but as she had no clue about the social structure, she didn’t know how horrible his boss could be.  So either the puzzles in the test would be very hard to solve, or Kwatt would resort to cheating himself.

“Not really my problem, Kwatt…and it’s been a very busy day, rescuing a cat from a tree, breaking up an illegal poker game and stopping two bar fights, so I really want to go home.  Get on with the test.”

“This test two games.  You lose, we rub out runts and other waste, take oxidane.”

After a short awkward pause, a box materialized on the desk.  “In box two small cubes one red, one green.  You put hand through hole in side and take cube.  If red you die, if green you try next game.”

Amelia thought that if Kwatt was typical, this alien race liked gambling but was not so good at it.

“How do I know it’s safe for my hand, that it’s not trap disguised as a box.  You take one and show it then we’ll know the color of my cube.”

“I not make trap.”  This was followed by a few additional harsh chirrups that did not get translated but Amelia concluded that Kwatt was indignant.

Amelia crossed her arms. “No way I put my hand in that box.  How about you stick the cubes into my coat pocket while I close my eyes, then I will choose one.”

“No.”  Kwatt slapped the desk with a large appendage.  “I create empty bag.”  A shiny silver opaque bag appeared.  He offered it to Amelia for inspection.

Amelia felt the bag and nodded, so Kwatt picked up the box, reached in, grabbed, then thrust what he had grabbed into the bag and laid the bag on the desk.  The bag bulged with two indistinct lumps.

Amelia immediately seized the bag, shoved her hand in and wrapped her fingers around one cube which she put in her pocket without opening her fist.  She dumped the other cube onto the desk.  It was red.

“Oh ho,” Amelia crowed, “The cube in my pocket must be green.  I win.”

The air became ever more garlicky as Kwatt chirped, “Ha…ha…just first game.  Second game, I sure you loss.  We erect henge of 146 other feeble runts plus you.  First runt in circle shoot next one then give weapon to next runt not down.  Next does same.  Runts keep shooting until all but one down.  Select where spot you.  If you in wrong spot you die. We win.”

Amelia visualized standing in a row of dominoes being knocked to the ground.  “I choose 39.”

Kwatt waved his hand and a ring of 147 tiny simulated humans floated over the gray surface of the desk.  He waved again and the game played itself out, until only the fake human in position 39 was still standing.

Kwatt sagged in his chair and the garlic stink became almost unbearable.  “So you know how to counting. So you win again.”

Amelia felt a teeny twinge of sympathy for Kwatt.  She asked, “Kwatt, does your commander like to play games or solve puzzles?”

“All on UFO boats play games.  Long trips very boredom.”

“Well I know a game for the two of you to play.  Maybe you already play some version of it.  Tell him that if he can’t win, he is not as smart as runts and so he cannot take your command away.”

“Tell Kwatt.”

“You each have 100 well-shuffled cards face down in a stack, 50 black and 50 gold, and 100 tokens.  You draw a gold card and he gives you a token.  You draw a black card and you give him a token.  You can stop any time you want, then he takes his turn and stops when he wants.  You each reshuffle and repeat 100 times.  The winner is the one with the most tokens after 100 turns.  The game ends immediately if one of you runs out of tokens.”

Kwatt stayed silent, as if he was thinking deeply, so Amelia added, “I can tell from the games we’ve played that you probably have already figured out how to win.”

Kwatt hooted a long string of chirps and cackles, which the translator interpreted as, “Ha…ha…ha…new game clever.  Haw…haw…haw…I crush vulture moron boss.  Now you leave.  We leave.”

Amelia was suddenly sitting on hard gravel, leaning against her truck.  She stood up, dusted herself off, and watched the circle of yellow lights disappear in the night sky.  She opened the driver’s door to switch on the dome light, then pulled the cube out of her pocket.  It sparkled like a red ruby in her palm.  She was still chuckling as she pulled into her driveway.

 

Carpenter the Crow’s New Movie

Carpenter the Crow is hired as the director for the remake of a famous horror movie.  In the movie, a small coastal town is enveloped in glowing mist that brings in the wrathful wraiths of dead deckhands.  Carpenter decides to change the color of the mist and to add a lot of special effects that he hopes will thrill this generation’s audiences. He shows the first cut to several movie reviewers.  They like it, except for one, Brad Hebert, who complains that the mist is too thick and should be less green. ‘ Pa’ DeWack, the young special effects lead, is very disheartened.  Carpenter just shakes his head dismissively and says, “It just flick flak, Pa DeWack, leave the fog alone.”

Daniel the Spaniel in the Coffee Shop

Daniel the Spaniel is window-shopping when the aromas from the coffee shop are too much to resist. (Dogs have an ultra-sensitive sense of smell!).  Daniel trots to the counter and points his nose at the display of pastries.  The barista named Patty Wack pulls out a cookie, but Daniel shakes his head.  Then she pulls out an oatmeal bar and Daniel shakes his head.  She tries again and pulls out a cheese Danish.  Daniel shakes his head.  Patty calls over to her manager Pete and asks “Can you help? I can’t figure out what this customer craves.”  Pete replied, “Just a thick snack, Patty Wack, give the dog a scone.

Amelia Solves the WockerJabber Puzzle and Saves the World

(Copyright ©2017 by Alyce Rita Campbell All Rights Reserved.  This story is a work of fiction.  Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.)

It was dark, no moon, and the inky sky was swollen with stars.  Amelia Largo bounced easily along the gravel road until a circle of bright lights hovering above the cottonwood caused her to step on the brakes.  Then her engine stalled.  She tried the ignition but the clink-clink-clink told her that apparently the battery was dead.  She sighed and climbed out of the pickup to check out the lights.  It was the fourth time this month, and she was getting tired of bumping into the failed experiments of the crazy astro-engineers and fly-boys from Area 51.

Suddenly the lights flickered then grew even brighter and she saw what looked like a golf cart trundling towards her.  The vehicle came to a halt about a yard away and its driver pointed a square object at her.  She fell to the ground immobilized by an electric shock and then the sky disappeared.

When she woke up, she was sitting on a gray toadstool-shaped chair, facing a large gray toadstool-shaped desk.  She didn’t sense any restraints but when she tried to stand her legs wouldn’t respond.  Her left ear ached so she raised her hand to her lobe and felt a metallic ring about the size of a dime.

A gray-clad creature about her height shuffled in through a sliding door and sat adown cross from her. The creature exuded the smell of garlic.  He stared at her with large black eyes that had no pupils.  After a few minutes of staring back, she decided he was wearing an envirosuit with eye protection very much like swimmers’ goggles.

She clamped her mouth shut, forcing her capture to make his first move.  The creature made whistling and chirping sounds that revealed the purpose of the metal earring: it was a translator.

The translator wasn’t perfect.  There were a few seconds of time delay between a string of chirps and trills and the computer-generated semi-comprehensible English phrases.

The creature said, “I Kwatt, top boss of this scout UFO. Taking over you a must regrettable.”

Amelia thought that the translator program needed some serious training.

“I am Amelia.”

“Amelia…your land boat regrettable.”

Amelia guessed that the creature was apologizing for stopping her truck.

“Okay, apology accepted. Kwatt, why are you here?”

“Planet rich in you call oxidane.  We want.”

Amelia rummaged through the fragments of her college chemistry class.  “You mean water.  You want to buy water.”

A short pause then, “Ha, ha joke.  We give good things for oxidane? No…I send tweet, many ships come, clean up rocky orb, take.”

Another pause. “One rule.  We no take from orbs with smart life.  Find leader, we must and test.”

Amelia paled.  “Clean up” could only mean that dreadful things would happen, like extermination.  She thought to herself that as sheriff of the county she could justify claiming to be the leader.

“That’s kind of you.  We smart life need water too.  And you’re in luck.  I’m the leader around here.  What is your test?”

“Three puzzles.  If you solve we go different place.  Maybe little orb near big gas orb.  But much harder to take.  No dry place. Cold.”

“Ah…Enceladus.  Moon of Saturn.”

“Said I that.”

Amelia hoped that alien and human thinking were similar or the puzzles would be hopelessly difficult.

“First puzzle:  It always 1 to 6, it always 15 to 20; it always 5. Only 21 if flying.”

“Kind of long.  Can I write it down?”

“No but I can repeat,” and the creature did.

Now Amelia listened carefully and thought about all things with odds.  She thought of Las Vegas.  Then it hit her.

“You mean a dice, a six-sided object for playing.”

“Ha, ha, joke…yes…long journey in scout UFO. We play games.”  His garlic smell intensified.

Amelia forced out a small chuckle, wondering what they gambled with and for.

“Second puzzle:  On scout UFO, we have fierce WockerJabber in cage which grows double each earth rotation, if we feed it lots.  If creature is fed lots, in ten rotations it fills cage.  How many rotations to fill ¼ and ½ cage?”

Amelia mentally grimaced.  She had always hated logic puzzles in her math classes.  She started by thinking backwards from ten days.  It must be half sized at 9 days so it would be quarter size on the 8th day.

She smiled and said, “Half at 9, quarter at 8.”

The creature said, “Ha, ha, ha so you can do arithmetic.  Now third puzzle.”  He waved his hand to show three doors in three shades of gray.

“Door one go to engine. We toss you in, you fry.  Door two go to oxidane tank. We toss you in, you drown.  Door three go to WockerJabber not fed  many rotations. We toss you in,  you WockerJabber food.  Choose door.”

Amelia thought that this was it, her loss was humankind’s loss. But with door three she might be able fend off the creature or…another thought crossed her mind.

“Door three…I choose door three.”

The creature’s chirps and trills came fast and furious and the garlic stench became almost intolerable.  The translator delivered a string of words that included many darns and damnations.

The creature opened door three, and showed what Amelia had expected: a tiny alien animaloid that looked half-dead and cowered in the corner.

“Smarty pants leader.  You go now.  We go now.”

Within a minute Amelia found herself lying on the ground beside her truck.  As she stood and dusted herself off the circle of lights rose vertically until it was lost among the billions of stars in the inky sky.